Vests, Squeezy Pouches, and Squid Giggles.

I went out with some of my best friends yesterday evening.

BOY! Was it Faaaaantastic. Seriously tho.
They picked me up after an incredibly productive school day, I had curled my hair and dressed Nice-ish. I wore a little black vest with a striped black and white shirt. I felt a little nautical and a little like I was channeling One Direction.

We giggled and chatted about random brilliances of life on the ride there, eating GoGo Squeezes (applesauce in a squeezy pouch... BRILLIANTLY DE'WISHUS!) and roll-ups (like sandwich wraps), taking pictures for later Facebook posts; It was all very fun... we pretty much made "Ermagerd/ Derp" jokes all the way there.

We got out of the car- all 9 of us- and walked into the Cheesecake Factory for Desert! Yum!

 I have Chocolate Mousse Cheesecake. It was rich and decadent, altogether mouth-wateringly scrumptious!

We later left and trotted around the mall that seemed to spray AXE and PERFUME- that smells like a baby prostitute- at you through the air vents. Papyrus and Teavana are probably my favorite stores. I could spend all day looking at intricate tea pots or note cards and stationary. We ventured into Urban Outfitters... and it's like Hipster Central. Seriously tho. A scarf if like $30. Why?!

The show- Much Ado About Nothing- via a recording at the Globe- was magnificent!! I squid giggled and got misty eyed through the WHOLE thing. Benedick is just... *sigh/smile* Wow. Everything about it was lovely. Just superb!!

The drive home was fun of course.
By the time I got in my bed it was about Midnight Thirty and I didn't even take time to wash my face... I was just beat.

It really was an amazing evening. I love those people. Dearly. I'm so grateful that the Lord has provided me with extremely fun times throughout High School... Just fun things to remember doing. *Sigh/ Smile*

  

How Great Thou Art...

I am doing really well. I don't mean to brag or boast. It's just that the Lord is doing some really great things for me. Since breaking up with my first boyfriend, I've learned quite a lot. The Lord works in mysterious ways, indeed. For a few weeks after the breakup I didn't know what to do with myself (i.e. I'd felt terribly ashamed that I hadn't been myself, that I'd lied, I was ultimately filled with regret and intense confusion.) Many moments were spent on my bed, in my jim-jams talking to Carrie about how to go about praying and moving on.

"I don't know what to do with myself." I said. And I'd meant it. I didn't know what to do or say, how to act, how to smile and feel like I was being genuine.

After prayer and many moments of sitting, journaling while Debussy's Claire De Lune played in my ears, I began to feel more okay. More Katie.

One afternoon, Carrie came into my room, "How's your day been?" Asking about my work. I nodded and replied, "Pretty good." Conversation ensued. "You are the only one responsible for getting you into College. You have to do the work worthy of getting in." She told me. I'm sure I'd heard it before but right then in that moment, I needed to hear it. She was right. And the more I thought about not getting into Architecture School, I wanted to cry. Not out of sorrow but out of emotion. Pure feelings. I want it. I can't imagine anything else. I need to spend my time with people who are making. I need to get in.

With that, I'd decided. I'm going to work my ass off. I'm going to do it. I am capable.

So, I'm going to start drawing a self portrait every week and have already drawn two. But only one of them is worthy of being shown.

I really enjoy sitting on my bed, listening to random songs, scraping pencil led across the surface of clean white paper. It's extremely calming.

Also, I read an article about a mapmaker, Connie Brown in the Wall Street Journal (compliments of our Neighbor). She focuses on the artistic value rather than the cartographic. Her maps are odd and fantastic, nothing ABSOLUTELY SPECTACULAR, but nothing I've seen before. She'll make maps of odd things- for her son she mapped out all of the best burrito joints in a 25 mile radius from his house. On another map, for a couple that wanted to commemorate their travels to East Africa, she added porcupine quills, a Hemingway quote, and tribal beading patterns along the outer rim. She's inspired me.

As of tonight, I'm going to start a project.
A poster. Most people would call it motivational. But I want it to say something to the effect of:

ONLY BY THE GRACE OF GOD

AND EXCELLENT WORK

CAN YOU GET INTO

ARCHITECTURE SCHOOL. 

 Other than that, adding some goals here and there on it, with some elements from the Architecture building incorporated into the style. I'll add some kind of faded map of Muncie in the background, mapping out the roads possible to get to campus from my house (I can walk to campus from my house- and have). I bought poster board and new sharpies. My markers and pencils are ready.

 Everyday, I need to look at something and have that motivation for going, for working, for doing excellent work. ARCHITECTURE SCHOOL. I can do it. I just have to turn off Facebook and crack a book.He's with me every step of the way. I can't help but remember that moment in "A Magician's Nephew" (C.S. Lewis) when Aslan cires with Digory who cries for his sick mother. That moment in the story is gut-wrenching. But simultaneously so moving. The Lord has never, and will never leave me. He will continue to feed me ideas when I wake up and feed me comfort when I lay down to go to sleep. Thank you Lord. How great thou art.
How. Great. Thou. Art...

Grounded,Tabbies, and Feels.

What a 2 weeks it's been...

I've been through ... an ordeal?

Apparently, breaking up with someone affects things. Sometimes I still have that feeling, "I wonder what he's up to at the moment..." and then I get back to whatever I was doing. But, I don't miss it really. I think I miss the distraction.

I don't miss the fact that I was so overly anxious every day that I didn't feel like eating. I don't miss worrying. I don't miss feeling like some version of myself that snuck around and didn't say anything to nearly anyone. I don't like the girl who feels like she has to say certain things or tell certain lies to be 'cooler' or 'sexier'.

NO. I'm not going to be that person. I'm Katie.

These past 2 weeks I was grounded from the internet- except for that needed for school. It made me use my time. Actually USE IT. Instead of stumbling for nearly an hour looking at different ways to get no-heat curls or things to make out of cardboard.... None of it mattered. I was pushing off school work. I wasn't writing letters. I only ever wrote in my journal about my worries regarding my boyfriend and what my parents would think about it all... Other than that. Nothing important happened in my life. Nothing interested me. 

Now, I'm reading books for Western Civ class and am actually writing books worth of notes and filling the pages with sticky notes and tabbies. I'm reading Shakespeare. Speaking of Shakespeare, my Director/ Teacher offered me a major role with 5 solos. I said yes. I'm a dude again. Which I'm okay with.
I knit myself a beanie the other day and loved it. I ripped it out yesterday so that I could re-knit it a little more snug. I drew a self portrait the other day, just laying on my stomach on my bed, listening to Rufus Wainwright and Coldplay, mixed in with some Marina and the Diamonds and Ed Sheeran. It's not amazing, but it's obviously me and I hadn't drawn anything worth while in the longest time. I re-read some books by Ally Carter (Heist Society- I HIGHLY recommend it). I dyed my hair. I constantly painted my nails- to refrain from biting them- the neon/peach "Coral Reef" color. 

Things are really good right now. I can actually smile because I'm happy without worries. I can actually cry because I'm joyous or so full of emotion for a character in a C.S. Lewis story or while watching a movie because I really FEEL it.

I'm feeling things again. Real things. Not stupid teenage-I-wish-I-had-a-boyfriend-things. 
I'm going to keep going.     

Num-buh Toles an Duh few Go'alls.

"Numb Toes and a Few Goals"
*Say Title Out-Loud*

Now you get it.

I walked, shivering with every step against the icy wooden floor, and threw myself on top of my bed. I quickly tugged a contorted knotted blanket up over my knees and glanced out the window. The maples were raining leaves upon the yard. I wiggled my numb toes beneath my blanket, feeling the luscious fuzz.  Looking over at my nightstand I am instantly enticed by the soft leather cover of my journal. It's puffed and embossed with the warm orange cover. The ribbon peaks out from between the pages as I remember all of my asinine entries about boys and dramatic days of school. I sigh and bring my knees up to my chest, rubbing my legs, trying to create friction and heat. Note to self: Shave legs next time you shower. I listen to the motors of cars zooming down the street or the hum of the ever-approaching train. There's a silent ticking of the bathroom clock at the end of the hall, reminding me that time exists. I curl my fingers inward to scratch my palm and realize that my nails are significantly longer than usual which encourages me seeing as though I'm trying to break my habit of biting them.

Which brings me to another topis- unrelated to briefly writing a short description for a warm up persay for Western Civ. homework-

My big sister, who lives a few states away with her husband, has been making some pretty spectacular goals for herself and has been blogging about it, which in turn has made me think about some goals I myself would like to set.

1.) Brush teeth 2 times a day.
[It may seem disgusting that I'm not doing this already, but I didn't have any self discipline for myself as a child. Since I had my very first Dentist visit last week, I want my teeth to be clean all the time! *To come: Removal of a wisdom tooth once it breaks through and filling of 3 cavities*]

2.) Keep nails painted weekly.
[This might sound odd, but I find that when my nails are painted, the less likely I am to pick at them. Note: Keeping them painted ALL the time isn't healthy. But some of the time is okay.]

3.) Spend less time on Facebook.
[Needs NO explanation.]

4.) Re-read "The Hobbit" before the December 13th Midnight showing.

5.) Within the next month: Paint something.
[I haven't painted since summer and Ohmyword do I miss it!]

Other than those 5 for now, I have other tiny "Do this more often" things i.e. Write, Send letters, Knit, Play Mandolin, Exercise, etc.

After sitting on my bed yesterday, windows open, nose full of snot, and eyes blinded by tears of both sorrow and joy, I'm okay. Not just in the sense that "Hey! I'm myself again!!" But, the Lord Jesus has me. I trust Him and His power. He will keep me warm and safe.

"If you continue to love Jesus, nothing Much can go wrong with you." C.S. Lewis

As of now, Keep going. Do. Laugh. Draw. Pray.