2 weeks of sickness.

[Written for the sake of getting feelings out- not for making myself the victim]

This Christmas has been one of the worst. Not because "Wah Wah Wah!! I didn't get that version of new cool toy! or WAHH! My new iPod doesn't fit in my new iHome because they changed the adapter!! Wah Wah Wah!" This Christmas doesn't come close to being one of the best.

I stayed up most nights until about 5am trying to get gifts finished. I had planned on knitting my Step-Mom a cardigan. A few years past I had knit her a poncho that didn't fit her so I promised her I'd reuse the same perfect shade of red yarn to make her something else. So, I had planned on making her a cardigan. It should be noted that I never use patterns. EVER. I hate them. It might be because I don't understand them, but really I just like knitting and finding my own way. On Christmas eve, I had an event with my mom and some other family at her house yet I still had more than half of Carrie's cardigan to finish. But, I had to go. So I went. It was fun, the food was good, I received a gift card from my Memaw for Simon Malls- which is really great! Then we opened Christmas jammies with my mom like we do every year and I drove my big sister Sarah and I back home. We immediately sat down on our respective beds- mine a folded futon mattress on her floor and hers a twin bed covered in all manor or paper and sharpie markers for various projects- and started making again. We watched the Goofy Movies and then some chick flicks. Eventually I realized that my cardigan was awful. The back was too short and too long and it was about 2am on Christmas eve. So, I sighed and facepalmed and quickly added a few lined of ribbing to the ends of the sleeves and converted them into leg warmers. I thought it was 1/2 Christmas FAIL, 1/2 Christmas WIN.

I took a much needed shower and began feeling terrible. I felt cold and lightheaded and I woke up at about 4am with a coughing fit. I took nighttime cold medicine and fell asleep on the couch. I then awoke around 7am and then Christmas gifts happened. Everyone opened their gifts and it was great! I got several gifts that are very special and my parents got me an iPod touch 5th generation, which is the only thing I asked them for.

Day after day, my sickness got worse and worse.
My Sister Danielle and brother-in-law Daniel came in from Minnesota for a few weeks so that they could spend Christmas with us. We hadn't seen then since March so it was long-overdue. But since my sickness kept getting worse, I missed out on their visit. And since I have Strep Throat, I'm contagious. So, no one wants to be in the same room as me. No one wants me to touch anything or do anything which makes me both very sad and lonely as well as a bit angry. But, alas after visiting the doctor and getting antibiotics, I've been feeling better. Though... still lonely. I can't even get my own applejuice because no one really wants me up doing anything and NO ONE wants to get sick- which I understand. But I can't really do anything and I feel terrible interrupting people so that I can have a cup of tea, or a bowl of soup, now that I actually feel like swallowing. But, soon enough I'll be all better and I'll be able to frolic in the snow, go post-Christmas shopping with all my monies and giftcards, or be generally festive. But, geez. What a crapfest to have to be sick for 2 weeks straight.

Sickness...

Ehhh...

After an evening of curls and hairspray, Popping and locking, and swaying and laughing... I'm sick.

I have some kind of cold, some kind of nasty virus that infects your throat with razor blades that are not only ridiculously sharp, but are steaming hot and when you swallow, they scrape and pinch throughout the back of my throat. Then once the pain in the throat dies down slightly, it begins to pound in one ear. Your ear throbs with incessant pain. And all you want to do is sleep. School is an impossible feat.

This close to Christmas with so many gifts to finish- or even START- I don't have time to be sick. I don't have to stamina. This is not okay. I have to knit. I have to sculpt. I have to paint. I have to wrap.

Huff...
Hopefully this week will consist of doing said "have to's" intermittently between napping and gargling with salt water and drinking tea. I'll work on school work throughout the week and finish my Spanish project. I'll read my last health chapter of the year and write a paper. I'll await the arrival of my big sister and brother-in-law coming home from Minnesota for Christmas. I'll go to a party at my friends house on Friday and I'll get better by golly.

Hurrumph.

Mix Tapes

I had an idea for a Christmas gift recently: A mix tape.

Though, not a tape- since no one really wants to carry around a tape in their purse, or their car. NOR do I have the ABILITY to make one. Though, I can always make CD's!!

The trick would be to take a certain person and perfectly encompass WHO. THEY. ARE. in songs. Like, for my Dad I'd add some AeroSmith, some Led Zeppelin, some Travis, some old country like Roger Miller, ... but the shit of it is-- he has all of those songs he could ever want. Plus, when you make a CD for someone, you make a CD of songs you think they'd like.

TIPS:
I.) Do NOT add ANY Flo. Rida, Wiz Kaliffa, Ke$ha, Justin Bieber, or any of the like. NO Radio/Pop/Songs with repetitive lyrics.

II.) Add songs that might seem Hipster. Some old 90's stuff, maybe some 80's and 50's. Add songs that most people haven't heard of. Throw in some ridiculous songs that no one's ever heard of. (SPOTIFY and SONGZA for.the.win!)

III.) Make the CD look AMAZING. Make it something anyone would 1.) immediately recognize and 2.) desperately WANT to put in.

IV.) Make it about 12-20 songs. 8.Track CD's are boring. 25.Track CD's are WAYY too long. Make it long enough to get through in a roadtrip.

I think it's a great idea. Just something no one does anymore. But, if you REALLY know someone, this is a great gift. Even a great gift for someone you don't really know, but want to get to know.

Well done, me. Well done. 

Saying A LOT about a person...

 Thanks to Jana <3 and her constantly lovely posts

things that say a lot about people:

• the way in which they treat the waiter/waitress: I've been told once by a guy friend- we were at Olive Garden before prom and our waitress was kind enough to put up with immediately boxing up ALL our 6 meals because we didn't have time t eat- He told me I was very 'cordial' and I felt so adult and ladylike. I always say please and thank you- sincerely and with a smile, always trying to look them in the face. *A kind giggle never hurt either*

 

• how they feel about the weather: I like all weather really. I don't gripe about it, unless I'm ridiculously hot- with NO way of getting cool... I get grumpy. Though one of my favorite things is wearing shorts and a t-shirt in the cold air conditioning and snuggling up under a nice down blanket and reading a book.

• whether they dog ear pages or highlight in books: I NEVER dog-ear pages. EVER. I was always ridiculed for doing it in my Junie-B-Jones' books as a kid... I highly disliked that librarian. But, I underline sometimes and highlight. I always wanted my books to be pristine and clean- I didn't want to muck it up with an underline that I once thought was important- but later in life was stupid and to the tune of "I'm misunderstood! So, I connect with this misunderstood character!!!"

• fingernails and hands in general: I bite them. Bite them off. I pick at the skin around them. I recently let them grow out, and then... 3 weeks into it I bit them off once a few of them broke. I can't tell you how nice it was to have short fingernails again. I'm glad they're gone. I've been told by a number of people that I have soft hands... I don't do anything special. I have small scars on the base of both my thumbs from nervous scratching... But other than that they're perfect tools!

 

• their preferred creative outlet: I prefer everything. Sports isn't creative. I don't do sports. I sing, I draw, I paint, I knit, I act, I can't really dance... except for shimmy while I do the dishes... But. I do practically everything.

• how much they dread/enjoy talking on the phone: I don't have a phone of my own so, I'm no texter. I am big on Facebook Chat- which is probably a bad thing in the long run. But, I don't mind being on the phone. I do indeed prefer to talk to people IN PERSON.

• whether or not they drink coffee: Coffee: Yes. Tea: Yes. ALL KINDS.

• if they ever forget to eat: I'm practically a Hobbit when it comes to food; "What about Second Breakfast?!"... "I don't think he knows about second breakfast Pip." ..."Wha'bout elevensies? Tea Time? Dinner? Supper? He knows about them right!?" Food is good. Eat it.

• how honest they are with themselves (and others): I'm fairly honest. Not saying I haven't told a lie here or there now and then- I'm not condoning it- just being HONEST.

• if they correct your grammar: I only do it to close friends- or people I don't like that think they're smarter than me... NO. "GRAMMAR FAIL!!" HA! I'm abhor internet lingo "UR A SK8TER BOY! <3 OMG! LOL! I NO RITE?!"... How about No? Use actual words Kay?

• and whether or not they get nervous before haircuts: I'm sure as a kid I got nervous, but I don't remember it--- so it doesn't count. I adore haircuts. It makes me feel so bouncy and fresh! Buuuutt,... I haven't had a haircut in almost a year. And I like long hair. It's purdy. 

 

The Joy and Changes That Come with Making Things!

Bah..

Forgive me for not posting until now. LOTS of general Christmas makings! I can't say really- what I'm making everyone nor can I post pictures- THOUGH I'd really like to.

Lately, things have been quite fantastic. Lots of nights spent in my room- lit up with fairy lights- watching LOST on my computer as I paint, or knit, or sculpt, or make tiny gifts for my group of friends. It's been quite perfect. Working and working until my computer curfew (10:00pm) and then writing a bit in my journal, writing a bit of a letter to a friend, then playing a game of iPod Solitaire and drifting off to sleep.

With all of the things I've been learning- Academic, Spiritual, and Personal- I am feeling confident, not in myself, but in the ways that Christ chooses to move. It might sound cheesy to say, but in the moments I spend making I feel a certain intimacy with Him, like The Holy Spirit is guiding my hands to create beautiful work. I couldn't create beautiful things if I didn't have Him, or the God-Given talent.

I was searching through a tote the other day, looking for some gloves my sister had knit me for Christmas a few years back. I found some hats I had knit, for no one in particular... but knit just the same.

I've gone through a lot of maturing- I say this all in humility of course- and LOTS of books for Western Civ, and LOTS of reading Shakespeare and LOTS of... general learning and I feel so different withing just a year's time.


So, moral of the story: Keep going. Keep knitting. Keep making and Christmas is RIGHT around the corner-
Also:
THE HOBBIT: 13th and 14th
DANIELLE AND DANIEL: visiting 22nd
OVER FORMAL CHRISTMAS PARTY WITH THE GANG: 21st

So many things.
Thanks Lord, for all that You're doing.

<3 Always.
Keep warm and keep MAKING THINGS!
K

--Corners-of-Brilliance--

Today, I purchased a box of 300 CHRISTMAS LIGHTS. So, I hung them up and now my room has that perfectly warm glow which is the perfect contrast from the warm afternoon stream of sunlight that comes in through my big windows.

 I recently set up my big sister's old drafting table and started working on a 'motivational' poster for myself. I'm really liking sitting down and just working while my computer plays "It's Time" by Imagine Dragons. 

My Owl cup given to me by my friends Dani and Lexi for mah; birthday! I lurve it so.

This is probably one of my proudest places in my room. Filled with all my little bits, my little figurines, my Jake statue from Adventure Time, My Finn doll I coaxed my grandma to buy me, My turtle beanie baby I named "Mr. Freshington" since it was a gift from my mom for my freshman year. My Lord of the Rings extended movies, my hardback version of The Hobbit, My Hunger Games Books, My vase via a hand-me-down from a family friend K. Brogan. I put a dried yellow rose in my vase- one of the roses from a bouquet of them that sat in my room on my 16th birthday. It's all very perfect.

 Ah yes, my picture wall. Pictures from Sophomore year surround my mirror (also a 16th birthday gift from my big sister Danielle* -- I added the little flower shrinky dinks in the corners...

 (Forgive the orange/yellow glow)
My bookshelf, filled with ALL manor of school books for Western Civ. and How-to-Knit-Such-and-Such books. Then my cork board. Covered in every scrap of important doodles, pictures, and my calendar. 
I hung Christmas Lights. And it completely lights up my room. It's perfect and warm.

I adore my room. It's changed so much from when we first moved in.

Though, so have I. I've changed so much. I'm not 13 anymore. I'm not boring and small. I'm me.

At 12. This is me. Little.

This is me. At 17. Not small and not insignificant. Strong.

Much can happen in a few years. :)



I challenge you- YES YOU- to make a post about the favorite personal places in your room (even if it's a corner where old bobby pins lie as a secret hiding place) Just fun and personal! :)

Confidence In Him...

Lately I've been thinking about First Impressions.

Sure, I've expounded upon this topic before and even then I'd discovered things I never thought before. I'd managed to describe specific people and how I expected they'd be before I met them, which perhaps could be considered "Pre-Impressions". If I'd heard stories or seen pictures of specific people, my subconscious created this idea of who said person must be, based purely on secondhand information; Which is by no means fair to said person. I know I wouldn't want someone merely hearing about me and making the decision whether they were going to pursue a friendship or not. I'd want to be given the chance. And luckily, we are.

Though. Do they even matter?

Honestly. First impressions affect impulses. If we meet someone who is fantastically witty and smart while managing to be jocular and perfectly childish, that first impression causes us to want more. That person is attractive; not in the physical sense, but overall. Because of that first impression, we know whether we want a second or a third. If we meet someone who is boring and quiet, never smiles nor makes any inclination that there is depth to their personality, we're likely not going to put forth much (if any) effort to try to become "Best Buds".

Confidence plays a role in first impressions. Every change that we teenagers go through affects how we view ourselves, and thus how we view other people, and inevitably how we think they view us, which also add to how we view ourselves.
How we are, the fundamental things about us: our genetics, the things we like about ourselves, the way we carry ourselves are judged in first impressions. Is it important to have confidence in ourselves and the things that make us unique?

It's cliche to say, but the Lord looks at our insides, our soul, our mind. He doesn't merely look at them, He knows them, listens to them, loves us in spite of them.
What about physical appearances? I've thought a great deal about this and have become emotional and have several times concluded with a blank mind. Physical appearances matter in our society. It's good to look nice, to feel fresh and lively. But it's not so important as to be vain and concerned with your hair and makeup and clothes. Is it pleasing to the Lord when we've taken a shower and look generally put together? If we have confidence, does it honor Him? It's not a sin to wear Makeup or to wear a nice dress.

Proverbs 31: 22 

She makes coverings for herself;
  Her clothing is fine linen and purple.

Proverbs 31: 25

 Strength and dignity are her clothing,
  And she smiles at the future.

Proverbs 31:30

 Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain,
  But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised.

 If Jesus Christ valued first impressions, why did He not make himself favorable? Seeing as though our physical appearance is indeed the FIRST thing we notice about other people...

Isaiah 53:2, 3b

He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him, nothing in his appearance that we should desire him…Like one from whom men hid their faces he was despised and we esteemed him not.

That makes me want to cry. He didn't make Himself enticing through His appearance. He was created so that He would be attractive based on the words He was speaking. 

So: Yes. First Impressions do matter.

But we should not look at physical appearances and judge people. We should look at their inner qualities. We should look at their confidence and where they place their confidence. All the while, we shouldn't be judging ourselves based on what we think they think of us. It's quite backwards.

 What does the Lord say about confidence?

Job 4:6

Is not your fear of God your confidence

And the integrity of your ways your hope?

Psalm 71:5

For You are my hope; Oh Lord God You are my confidence from my youth.

We are called to have confidence in Him.  We are not called to have confidence in ourselves. What a thought. Don't have confidence in yourself, but in Christ Jesus. Don't spend time analyzing or worrying about how other people will perceive your outward appearance, but rather accept that people will look at your personality. Your personality matters, that is the thing the Lord tends and cares for.


All of this isn't to say that showering and wearing nice clothes is bad, at all. But we shouldn't waste valuable time over-analyzing insignificance bits of our outward appearance. Staying clean and fresh is a good thing, I think it keeps us lively. Feeling confident should not come from liking ones appearance but rather in Christ and the fact that He is the ultimate judge.

Conclusion: First impressions matter in very few circumstances. Though, they're unavoidable we need to accept them for what they are, the first thing we think about a new person we meet. But most (if not all) people should be given a second chance, even if only for the benefit of the doubt. If the Lord wants to orchestrate a relationship between two people then I put my confidence in the fact that He will be just and kind and give us a mutual attraction to aspects of each others character. I do not trust my own judgement of character and charm, but I will put my confidence in the Lord and His unwavering wisdom.

Barmaids, Costumes, and General Giggles

I had a marvelous weekend with Dani and Lexi. They planned a Robin Hood party for their younger 3 siblings and it was fantastic. I came with a green sweater, shorts, tights, and boots. Turns out I didn't wear any of it. They gussied me up and I felt like some kind of adorable Renaissance Elf.

  

Then of course we did OLDE DUCK FACES. Despite how ridiculous Duck Faces are, they're fun!

Don't Judge.

Later, we frolicked in the field next to their house.

Seriously though... Being with Dani and Lexi (and their ENTIRE family) makes me feel so pretty. Not in a vain way, but in a way that... since they like my insides, my thoughts and jokes and whatnot, I feel probably the best I feel any other place. Luke, their younger brother will sit down at the piano and start playing, "Concerning Hobbits" from LOTR and I'll get misty-eyed.

I mean, Look. LOOK AT THE ADORABLENESS. It's such a good picture.

Soon after frolicking, we took the kids who came to the party into the woods for more of the "Robin Hood"ian things. We all wore cloaks and Tony arrived. He whistled an approving whistle at Dani in her costume. So, we took adorable couple photos in the woods. I think we were all quite proud of the pictures we took respectively. 

I took this one. Dani looks like a model with porcelain skin and Tony looks like some kind of angelic Aeropostale Model. No editing went in here other than the normal "enhance button". But seriously. Look how amazing they are together. *Sigh/Smile*

AND PROGRESSION SHOTS!!

MORALS OF THE STORIES

Vulnerability Gets the Girl:

Study of Sensuality:

[The Angry/ Annoyed sexy face, The Biting My Lip Face, The Put My Fingers In My Mouth, The Actually Happy Face]

(Of course we weren't actually looking to be sexy. We were making fun of the typical faces that girls make...)

Merlin:

Dani and I being Arthur and Merlin. We're kind of adorable. *Nod* 

All together it was amazing!! 

That night we talked about college and boys and life in general. Dani and I fell asleep giggling about Benedict Cumberbatch (SHERLOCK).

The next day we woke up around noon and got the house ready for the Literary Costume Party.

We took showers respectively and then took about 2 hours to get ready.

Queen of Hearts and Alice. A character from Little Women. Scarlet O'Hara and Rhett Butler from Gone With the Wind. Felicity from American Girls. Miss Havisham from Great Expectations. Haymitch and Effie from The Hunger Games.

Oh my word. So. Much. Fun. I can't even contain my joy. By the end of the night, we wrote each other all love notes about what we liked about each other. When I began reading Dani's Note:

"I love how full of life you are. Don't ever change. I love you just the way you are. 'Sometimes I may be jealous, but never doubt that I love you.' *had hug* Dani "

The quote was from "The Avengers"- Loki said it to Thor <3

I started weeping. My voice was scratchy already from all the laughing and crazy voices we did for the games... I just broke down. Let me tell you, it was the best I'd felt in a long time. There with those people. I love them.

Each and every one of them.

Vests, Squeezy Pouches, and Squid Giggles.

I went out with some of my best friends yesterday evening.

BOY! Was it Faaaaantastic. Seriously tho.
They picked me up after an incredibly productive school day, I had curled my hair and dressed Nice-ish. I wore a little black vest with a striped black and white shirt. I felt a little nautical and a little like I was channeling One Direction.

We giggled and chatted about random brilliances of life on the ride there, eating GoGo Squeezes (applesauce in a squeezy pouch... BRILLIANTLY DE'WISHUS!) and roll-ups (like sandwich wraps), taking pictures for later Facebook posts; It was all very fun... we pretty much made "Ermagerd/ Derp" jokes all the way there.

We got out of the car- all 9 of us- and walked into the Cheesecake Factory for Desert! Yum!

 I have Chocolate Mousse Cheesecake. It was rich and decadent, altogether mouth-wateringly scrumptious!

We later left and trotted around the mall that seemed to spray AXE and PERFUME- that smells like a baby prostitute- at you through the air vents. Papyrus and Teavana are probably my favorite stores. I could spend all day looking at intricate tea pots or note cards and stationary. We ventured into Urban Outfitters... and it's like Hipster Central. Seriously tho. A scarf if like $30. Why?!

The show- Much Ado About Nothing- via a recording at the Globe- was magnificent!! I squid giggled and got misty eyed through the WHOLE thing. Benedick is just... *sigh/smile* Wow. Everything about it was lovely. Just superb!!

The drive home was fun of course.
By the time I got in my bed it was about Midnight Thirty and I didn't even take time to wash my face... I was just beat.

It really was an amazing evening. I love those people. Dearly. I'm so grateful that the Lord has provided me with extremely fun times throughout High School... Just fun things to remember doing. *Sigh/ Smile*

  

How Great Thou Art...

I am doing really well. I don't mean to brag or boast. It's just that the Lord is doing some really great things for me. Since breaking up with my first boyfriend, I've learned quite a lot. The Lord works in mysterious ways, indeed. For a few weeks after the breakup I didn't know what to do with myself (i.e. I'd felt terribly ashamed that I hadn't been myself, that I'd lied, I was ultimately filled with regret and intense confusion.) Many moments were spent on my bed, in my jim-jams talking to Carrie about how to go about praying and moving on.

"I don't know what to do with myself." I said. And I'd meant it. I didn't know what to do or say, how to act, how to smile and feel like I was being genuine.

After prayer and many moments of sitting, journaling while Debussy's Claire De Lune played in my ears, I began to feel more okay. More Katie.

One afternoon, Carrie came into my room, "How's your day been?" Asking about my work. I nodded and replied, "Pretty good." Conversation ensued. "You are the only one responsible for getting you into College. You have to do the work worthy of getting in." She told me. I'm sure I'd heard it before but right then in that moment, I needed to hear it. She was right. And the more I thought about not getting into Architecture School, I wanted to cry. Not out of sorrow but out of emotion. Pure feelings. I want it. I can't imagine anything else. I need to spend my time with people who are making. I need to get in.

With that, I'd decided. I'm going to work my ass off. I'm going to do it. I am capable.

So, I'm going to start drawing a self portrait every week and have already drawn two. But only one of them is worthy of being shown.

I really enjoy sitting on my bed, listening to random songs, scraping pencil led across the surface of clean white paper. It's extremely calming.

Also, I read an article about a mapmaker, Connie Brown in the Wall Street Journal (compliments of our Neighbor). She focuses on the artistic value rather than the cartographic. Her maps are odd and fantastic, nothing ABSOLUTELY SPECTACULAR, but nothing I've seen before. She'll make maps of odd things- for her son she mapped out all of the best burrito joints in a 25 mile radius from his house. On another map, for a couple that wanted to commemorate their travels to East Africa, she added porcupine quills, a Hemingway quote, and tribal beading patterns along the outer rim. She's inspired me.

As of tonight, I'm going to start a project.
A poster. Most people would call it motivational. But I want it to say something to the effect of:

ONLY BY THE GRACE OF GOD

AND EXCELLENT WORK

CAN YOU GET INTO

ARCHITECTURE SCHOOL. 

 Other than that, adding some goals here and there on it, with some elements from the Architecture building incorporated into the style. I'll add some kind of faded map of Muncie in the background, mapping out the roads possible to get to campus from my house (I can walk to campus from my house- and have). I bought poster board and new sharpies. My markers and pencils are ready.

 Everyday, I need to look at something and have that motivation for going, for working, for doing excellent work. ARCHITECTURE SCHOOL. I can do it. I just have to turn off Facebook and crack a book.He's with me every step of the way. I can't help but remember that moment in "A Magician's Nephew" (C.S. Lewis) when Aslan cires with Digory who cries for his sick mother. That moment in the story is gut-wrenching. But simultaneously so moving. The Lord has never, and will never leave me. He will continue to feed me ideas when I wake up and feed me comfort when I lay down to go to sleep. Thank you Lord. How great thou art.
How. Great. Thou. Art...

Grounded,Tabbies, and Feels.

What a 2 weeks it's been...

I've been through ... an ordeal?

Apparently, breaking up with someone affects things. Sometimes I still have that feeling, "I wonder what he's up to at the moment..." and then I get back to whatever I was doing. But, I don't miss it really. I think I miss the distraction.

I don't miss the fact that I was so overly anxious every day that I didn't feel like eating. I don't miss worrying. I don't miss feeling like some version of myself that snuck around and didn't say anything to nearly anyone. I don't like the girl who feels like she has to say certain things or tell certain lies to be 'cooler' or 'sexier'.

NO. I'm not going to be that person. I'm Katie.

These past 2 weeks I was grounded from the internet- except for that needed for school. It made me use my time. Actually USE IT. Instead of stumbling for nearly an hour looking at different ways to get no-heat curls or things to make out of cardboard.... None of it mattered. I was pushing off school work. I wasn't writing letters. I only ever wrote in my journal about my worries regarding my boyfriend and what my parents would think about it all... Other than that. Nothing important happened in my life. Nothing interested me. 

Now, I'm reading books for Western Civ class and am actually writing books worth of notes and filling the pages with sticky notes and tabbies. I'm reading Shakespeare. Speaking of Shakespeare, my Director/ Teacher offered me a major role with 5 solos. I said yes. I'm a dude again. Which I'm okay with.
I knit myself a beanie the other day and loved it. I ripped it out yesterday so that I could re-knit it a little more snug. I drew a self portrait the other day, just laying on my stomach on my bed, listening to Rufus Wainwright and Coldplay, mixed in with some Marina and the Diamonds and Ed Sheeran. It's not amazing, but it's obviously me and I hadn't drawn anything worth while in the longest time. I re-read some books by Ally Carter (Heist Society- I HIGHLY recommend it). I dyed my hair. I constantly painted my nails- to refrain from biting them- the neon/peach "Coral Reef" color. 

Things are really good right now. I can actually smile because I'm happy without worries. I can actually cry because I'm joyous or so full of emotion for a character in a C.S. Lewis story or while watching a movie because I really FEEL it.

I'm feeling things again. Real things. Not stupid teenage-I-wish-I-had-a-boyfriend-things. 
I'm going to keep going.     

Num-buh Toles an Duh few Go'alls.

"Numb Toes and a Few Goals"
*Say Title Out-Loud*

Now you get it.

I walked, shivering with every step against the icy wooden floor, and threw myself on top of my bed. I quickly tugged a contorted knotted blanket up over my knees and glanced out the window. The maples were raining leaves upon the yard. I wiggled my numb toes beneath my blanket, feeling the luscious fuzz.  Looking over at my nightstand I am instantly enticed by the soft leather cover of my journal. It's puffed and embossed with the warm orange cover. The ribbon peaks out from between the pages as I remember all of my asinine entries about boys and dramatic days of school. I sigh and bring my knees up to my chest, rubbing my legs, trying to create friction and heat. Note to self: Shave legs next time you shower. I listen to the motors of cars zooming down the street or the hum of the ever-approaching train. There's a silent ticking of the bathroom clock at the end of the hall, reminding me that time exists. I curl my fingers inward to scratch my palm and realize that my nails are significantly longer than usual which encourages me seeing as though I'm trying to break my habit of biting them.

Which brings me to another topis- unrelated to briefly writing a short description for a warm up persay for Western Civ. homework-

My big sister, who lives a few states away with her husband, has been making some pretty spectacular goals for herself and has been blogging about it, which in turn has made me think about some goals I myself would like to set.

1.) Brush teeth 2 times a day.
[It may seem disgusting that I'm not doing this already, but I didn't have any self discipline for myself as a child. Since I had my very first Dentist visit last week, I want my teeth to be clean all the time! *To come: Removal of a wisdom tooth once it breaks through and filling of 3 cavities*]

2.) Keep nails painted weekly.
[This might sound odd, but I find that when my nails are painted, the less likely I am to pick at them. Note: Keeping them painted ALL the time isn't healthy. But some of the time is okay.]

3.) Spend less time on Facebook.
[Needs NO explanation.]

4.) Re-read "The Hobbit" before the December 13th Midnight showing.

5.) Within the next month: Paint something.
[I haven't painted since summer and Ohmyword do I miss it!]

Other than those 5 for now, I have other tiny "Do this more often" things i.e. Write, Send letters, Knit, Play Mandolin, Exercise, etc.

After sitting on my bed yesterday, windows open, nose full of snot, and eyes blinded by tears of both sorrow and joy, I'm okay. Not just in the sense that "Hey! I'm myself again!!" But, the Lord Jesus has me. I trust Him and His power. He will keep me warm and safe.

"If you continue to love Jesus, nothing Much can go wrong with you." C.S. Lewis

As of now, Keep going. Do. Laugh. Draw. Pray.

Slight Sweat and Sleepy Sighs

Genuine smiles and genuine feelings come flooding back.

I ran down the stairs today in my favorite Dr. Who t-shirt and my red boxers waving my hands in the air and giggling
"I understand Calculus!" I screamed. My parents applauded.

I ran back upstairs and continued to do calculus and as the hours passed on, my mind became increasingly foggy. I was excited about the evening I'd spend with Carrie. I was also preoccupied with a certain face that I saw through the spitting rain as I said, "I'm sorry."

I guess I continue coming back to the idea that it's over and I'll be okay, because I'm myself. But I'm also increasingly aggravated and yet simultaneously comforted by Adele's scratchy voice when she sings, "Don't forget me..." But I guess sometimes you just need to cry yourself to sleep out of joy? Out of regret? Out of some kind of unsaid fear? Out of exhaustion?

The conversation with Carrie this evening, driving steadily home from Indy after a movie and sushi was one of those conversations where I could imagine the future near the end. Sitting at the dining room table. Introducing my boyfriend. He'll laugh and make jokes. He'll ask me questions as I talk. We'll play cards with my folks. He'd be an amazing card player and would hum some kind of obscure song reference as he dealt... I could imagine my wedding and all of the sweet feelings of staying pure until marriage. With Carrie at my side the whole time...

But, just the same. I feel this weird kind of heartbreak mixed with some kind of regret mixed with some kind of relief with some kind of exhaustion. I'm back to myself, but I feel like an outdated version of myself. I still need to finish my updates. Listen to "Home" by Philips Philips and it'll be okay. Journal about 3 pages as you smear ink along the side of your hand. Drink a full glass of water and take a big sigh after said glass. Lay your head on your pillow after you've shook your hair out of its braids. Feel the cool cotton against your cheek and smell of slight sweat and sleepy sighs left on said pillow and drift off to some kind of land of slumber where there is no sorrow or regret.

Sleep. You'll be fine.
Just. Fine.

I'm Back.

For the last few months, I haven't been myself. I don't know who I was being, but I now know that I feel free.

I've been avoiding the right decision for a while now because I would not only hurt myself but hurt others. I realize that the idea of me and the actual me are two VERY different things. I'm odd. I like Star Trek and love brain teasers. I hate screamo and find no artistic value in it. Mancala is an amazingly fun and simple game that I can and will kick your ass at. I love naps and haven't taken one in what feels like months. I love drinking tea during the evenings and have the 'old lady' mentality of sitting and staring at things and drifting off...

I like pop music. I'm not ashamed.
I love painting and drawing.
I like reading asinine teenage novels about spies, thieves, or traveling pants.
I love chuck taylors. (I liked them even before they were cool)... (I own 3 pairs)
I hate the word "Hot" as a compliment.
I can draw maps like no other.
I can carry a tune.
I love the Lord.
I really do enjoy spending time with my parents on a Friday night.
I'm pretty sure that my sister is my best friend.
I adore watching House and NCIS with my mom on a simple Monday evening.
British entertainment > American entertainment

I think that within the past few months, I've been denying the very fundamentally basic simplicities of my personality. I've been doing that because... I wanted to be different. I wanted to fit in, or be cool and aloof enough to be mysterious and intriguing. The farther down the path I went, the more I hated it. I'm not complex. I'm not boring. I'm me. I'm not going to change so that people will like me or boys will think I'm cool.

No.
I'm done walking down that road.
I'm going back. I'm running back to the beginning, but first... there's this fence I have to tear down before I can go back. I have to tear it down and be okay with it.

If I am myself- with all of my quirks that someone someday will revel in and LOVE- I can do it. The Lord is on my side. He's fighting with me. Be strong. Take heart. Sing a praise song full of joy. Be. Who the Lord created you to be.
Be Katie.

.New.Things.

This Year is beginning to shake me already...

Taking an AP Calculus class.

It's actually a challenge to keep up with and understand what's going on...

Driving Myself Places.

I'm not nervous anymore, I'm excited to have the freedom of going without needing to plan 4 days ahead...

Singing in the Worship band at Youth Group.

I am intimidated but very excited...

Having a Boyfriend.

This isn't 100% legit (or Facebook Official) but... it's happening. I'm having dinner at his house tonight...

Turning 17.

17 isn't at big as 16. Nor is it as big as 18. It seems like a filler year, but it's necessary. It's a bridge...

Junior Year.

Now is the time to get out of the mud and make yourself look presentable to college administrators... 

Intense Reading.

Taking a class where about 30 books are required for reading...

Myself.

Learning more and more about my insides (Mind and Body)...

Knowing that Lord of the Rings isn't the most important thing in the world.

The Me of 2 years ago would practically bitch-slap the me of today...

Listening to music that isn't Top 40.

Maybe I'm a closet Hipster that tries to find obscure music on Spotify...

Wearing Girly-er Clothes.

Dresses aren't bad, in fact once in a while they're nice to throw on...

Hygiene. 

I'm not a dirty person, but now that I have a boy who's interested I wash my face and brush my teeth more often... It's not surprising. Don't Judge...

I'm okay.

Things are evening out. It's okay now...

Lord of the Rings is still important to me. 

I still really enjoy listening to "Call Me Maybe" and "What Makes You Beautiful".

I still wear Jeans and Led Zeppelin shirts.

I still go a few days sometimes without showering.

I still like to veg instead of read or do calculus.

Getting a boyfriend continues to not have a large voice on the list of "MUST DO GOALS IN LIFE"

My parents still drive me places too.

Things are different. But not THAT different.

Sept. 18th

In two weeks- and 1 day- I will be 17.
17 to me has seemed like a filler year to get to 18. Not that I'm ready to be 18, 17 is good- it's just not significant like 16 or 18.

People keep asking me what I want and honestly, I have what I want. I buy what I like. There are some things I would wear... like a TARDIS (Dr. Who) necklace or an owl necklace. I'd like to save up for a digital camera. I'd like a new pair of chucks-preferably yellow...

I don't NEED things. I have cute clothes. I have makeup. I have hair clips and whatnot. I have cool shoes. I have colorful cardigans... I have lots of things I like and it's weird to me to think that now I have to tell people what I want them to buy me. The older I get, the fewer answers I can easily give people.

From what I know, my parents are buying me a new mattress and a new bookshelf. Both are things that 1.) I WILL use and 2.) would very much like to have and also 3.)are things I asked for- though not specifically for my birthday. I'm not one of those kids who wants the NEWEST version of things every year, or even the cool thing to get like an iPad or the new DSi.

I don't want journals. I have 3 that are awaiting my scribbles. I don't want stickers. I have several half-used sheets. I could use some more neon socks...? *shrug*

Here's what I really want:

I want a red cardigan.
I want a yellow cardigan.
I want yellow low-top chucks.
I want a new sun dress.
I want a new Beanie hat.
I want a cool fall jacket.
I want a Dr. Who poster.
I want money to be able to buy things later.

But I honestly don't want anything other than a new bookshelf and a new mattress... Is that so bad?

Beatings of the Face.

Sometimes when I'm sincerely honest, even merely to myself, concerning yet secretly judgmental eyes look upon me as if something penetrating has happened in my life recently, as if it has changed my fundamental morals.

When I'm trying to be honest with myself, sure, I'm brutal. But that comes when you're used to having to fend off the part of you that has a hole burning through her pocket, so desperately wanting to buy her own bullshit. Sometimes what I mean gets muddled in the translation of what I say, nevertheless in the end it comes out communicated enough to have beaten the accepting-the-bullshit me in the face.

Perhaps a public blog is not the place to be thinking through what my deepest feelings are and what I want to purposely do with my time. I adore, highly enjoy, being submerged in writing- even writing nonsensical ideas about what it means to be a 16-year-old home-schooler. I realized fairly recently that starting a blog got me thinking about the significantly little things that I enjoy in life whereas... usually they didn't exist in words they existed in smiles between me and the person I shared them with. Placing them in a form, where words are purposeful, give them more significance. If I hadn't started blogging, I likely wouldn't have praised The Lord for the bright morning sun streaming in through my windows or the waning moon, perhaps having a cup of coffee late at night with my Dad, the little seemingly insignificant moments that busy people take for granted.

I don't want to write posts full of
"I had a mug of blistering-hot Earl Grey tea and watched the golden sun peak above the lush trees that swayed to the beat of my heart..."
What a load of crap. Trying to be poetic? Right. FAIL.

Don't TRY to be poetic. Just try to write meaningful things that are honest and true.
I'm not going to stroke my own hair and say, "My blog is absolutely lovely and beautifully written. I really like it!" I'm going to be honest with myself and say, "Are you serious? Talk about predictable whiny teenager. Eh. Write something worth a second read- from yourself. If YOU enjoy reading it, then great. Don't write for the sake of other people. Write for you."

Dear "Wannabe-Poetic" Self,
Don't buy your own bullshit or the me that's writing this will take over my balled fist and begin smashing in the face that writes frilly "tea and sunset" blogs.
Sincerely,
The "NO-Bullshit" Self.

Nothing's wrong with editing yourself. I don't do this for you, whoever you are. I do this for me, whichever mood I seem to be in on a particular day.

Beating myself in the face (with my anti-bullshit campaign) isn't going to hurt anyone. 

Lovingly Carried

Carrie seems to be my rock.

When I seem to be having a tough time of sorting out my feelings and being honest, I turn to her. Mostly because I know that I can be utterly honest with her about how I feel the need for validation and am a little desperate at times... and she doesn't judge. Ever. Instead, she talks me through it- not in a psychiatrist kind of way, but rather the kindest loving way.

She loves me for who I am without feeling the slightest bit of ashamed that I'm not a hip happening daughter who does a crap ton of sports or has a boyfriend or a job. Instead, she loves me because I'm silly and I find the joy in doing my best Klingon Impressions or quoting Lord of the Rings. She knows me better than anyone else and she's only been in my life for a short time. The Lord has done a work in her life and has made her one of the most incredible people I know.

She and I talk or share a few Tootsie Rolls while just being in one another's company. It's simple and sweet.

Today, I drove myself to youth group and back, without any kind of parental supervision. I had the windows down and the sun shining. It was perfect. I'll never forget it. When I left the house I heard her say, "I'm shaking." So I asked, "Because you're nervous?" "Well aren't you?" She widened her eyes and smiled. "Well... Not really." "You're just growing up is all." she said as she walked over to me, with her favorite apron on, and hugged me. "I love you. Be safe." She said softly. "I love you, very much so. I will."

I left and prayed the whole way there, exclaiming my joy for all of the help I received throughout the adventure of learning to drive. I had many people carry me through the process. Though, not once did I cry behind the wheel. There were a few "Derp!" moments...

She and I have been through the thickest of times. She's helped me heal from wounds that I didn't even know existed. She does things for me that are so unexpected and sweet that it makes our relationship far more... unique.
She's my Carrie.

She loves me for me. She'll never judge me. She'd do anything for me. She even understands my fleshly reasons behind my sins...

Imagine how much she loves me... The Lord loves me an immeasurable amount compared.

Peas are Good.

I was at my family friends' home. They make cakes on the side. Like... intricate decorative cakes. They're pretty magnificent I must say. They were making a Stormtrooper head cake. I helped, but mostly I just surveyed the progress and the melting of the marshmallows to make fondant. 

Finally the cake was done. I hopped in the shower lightning fast and ran out the door without brushed hair or makeup. I brushed my hair in the car, threw it in a low bun, and then slid on my owl head band that matched my shirt. I did what makeup I could in a moving car; A bit of eyeliner *smudge*... Mascara *glob over entire eyelid* ... *sigh*...*put on sunglasses to draw less attention to poorly applied makeup* 

We arrived at the cake's destination. An adorable home in an adorable suburb filled with 5 year old trees and bright flowering gardens. We walked into said home, I had never been there and didn't know what to expect. 

"Ohmygod!! Aha ha ha! Ohmygod! That is so neat! Ahaha!" said the lady who stood welcoming us inside an air-conditioned home. She had a fantastically decorated home with comfy couches in the living room and a big screen tv playing the Olympics. 

"Billy! Come down here!" The lady hollered for him again, as her excitement grew. 

I ran out to the garage to grab a soda as I was invited to do. I was thirsty and I didn't know 'Billy' so, seeing his reaction to the cake wasn't a big deal.

I went inside and hear laughing and more "ohmygod"s. I looked around the corner between shoulders and saw said Billy. He was lanky, non-grotesque, non-repulsive, and nerdy (as evidenced by his "Bazinga!!" Big Bang Theory T-shirt. He seemed like a nice guy. I still had no idea why this occasion warranted a cake... 

Finally I realized after many minutes spent eavesdropping, Billy was going to a new school for Junior and Senior year of High School. He was going to Indiana Academy. (I had no idea where that was.) Later when I was being introduced, a big deal was made out of the fact that I live in Muncie... I then deduced that Indiana Academy is in Muncie. Ohhkay.

Near the end of our time spent there, Kris (the father in the family that I was staying with) said to Billy, "You know Billy, I think that you and Katie would get along quite a lot. You're both brainy. You're both funny. You're both nerdy. You're both practically 2 peas in a pod." 

*I blushed.*

Who was I to all of a sudden want a friendship with a 16 year old adorably nerdy boy I'd never met before?

Billy asked, "What do you like then? We have stuff in common?"

"I like Video Games, Musicals, Lord of the Rings, Star Trek and Wars, Dr. Who,... Comics... etc.?" I shyly replied. 

"Comics?" He said excitedly.
"Yeah."
Kris pipes in with, "I wonder if Billy would know Tom Spurgeon...?"
I asked, "Do you know Tom Spurgeon?"
His eyes brightened, "Yus."
"I've known him since... birth. He was my Dad's best man and best friend in High School..."
He was speechless. 
"We own the book he wrote about Stan Lee. He visits yearly..." I shrugged

"Wow." said Billy, "Wow." 
Still speechless. His mom began to laugh, saying that we'd be good friends.

"Where are the good comic places in town?"
"I'm not sure where the GOOD ones in town are, but I know of two places. There might be more. I'm not sure. I can e-mail Tom and ask."

He blinked a lot and smiled a lot. I blushed a lot.
We said goodbye and left.

I later asked Kris if the scenario was weird: If you were a teenage boy and your family friends brought a teenage girl with them who lived where you were moving to and liked all the things you liked and knew one of your idols personally, would it be weird of her to want to be your friend? Or is that just plain creepy?

He told me, "If we're using the term 'Girl' loosely then YES. But if girl = you, then NO. Not at all."

I got home and e-mailed Tom. I now know where the good comic places in town are. 
I also asked if he'd send me a copy of his Stan Lee book for Billy. 
I received an e-mail back. 
I'm getting a care package via his publishers shortly.

I smiled. 
I can see a potential friendship. 
I can also see potential for me too look like some kind of stalker.

... Peas are good. But, I can't see how peas would make good friends...

Words. Worlds. Worms. Pie.

So, after reading a friend's post about a JUNE CHALLENGE to make our words count, I now realize that I think about whether I sincerely LOVE something.

I love waffles.

I love my Dad.

I wouldn't die for waffles.

I'd die for my Dad.

If you really love something, would you die for it?

Would you die for your precious iPhone?

If Yes: You're idiotic. You have poor logic and it's obvious you take many things for granted.

If No: Good, we can still be friends.

Instead of saying, "I love that show!" I've become accustomed to saying "I adore that show!" Adoration is not the same as Lurve. Instead of saying, "I really hate the fact that that fat chick over there smells funky..."- I'd say, "I highly dislike and am annoyed by the fact that that grotesquely obese woman over smells like a dumpster." *shrug* It's not hard to have intent behind what you say.

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On another note: I recently realized that hanging out with boys rather than girls is of a completely different world. You can make inappropriate jokes and get laughs rather than wide eyes and disapproving gasps of "KATIE!" It's a completely different experience. It's more or less like this: I no longer feel like the most non-feminine person in the group. Which I feel when in a  group of very flowery group of serious girls...

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*Pee Break*                                                                                                                      *Flush*

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Kay. Also. I realized that ALL my posts are the same. Something about tea- I drink it quite often, some kind of 'trying to be poetic' crap that ends up making me sound like a cliche wannabe know-it-all; the very thing I highly dislike about reading other peoples blogs... I was wondering the other day when I'd see another interesting blog post from a friend. I've not seen any new posts in quite a long time. It was disappointing. Then I realized that most of my friends don't blog for the heck of it, out of the blue. They blog when they have something actually interesting and worth telling happen in their lives. I understand now.

All my blog posts are the same. They all look and wiggle alike. They're worms. Not even worthy of a second reading by me. So. Here is where I lift my imaginary glass of non-alcoholic liquid and vow

"I will make my blog posts count for something other than cliche teenage whiny life crap. I will never write a post at the same time I have a mug of tea. I will never blog just to blog. I will say the things that I think need said to myself of any other imaginary person. There. I'm done. Cheers"

And this is where you take a sip of an imaginary water glass. (Though if it's imaginary, I'm drinking delicious alcoholic Port.- not that I've ever had it. *shifts eyes*) 

I'm totally content. Blogs are good. Real wording is good. Potentially poetic crap is no good.

Pie is also good.

Sipping Tea on a Tuesday Night...

I sit, on a Tuesday evening, staring at the flickering blue flame that heats the kettle while listening to Ed Sheeran's brilliance.

Dad pigishly snores and grunts in his sleep as he lays on our nest like couch in the quiet living room. Carrie is upstairs continuing her work on the handmade wedding gown for a dear friend of ours.
Sarah's on the porch gabbing away at one of her friends via phone.

I took a deep breath and pushed my computer open and sat in the tiny kitchen corner where a big chair sits along with a small table for my tea to rest in wait for my enjoyment of its deliciousness.

My new rainbow/argyle socks hug my feet and keep them toasty. I sit comfortable in my shorts and my SERVE T-shirt, with the smell of my newly dyed hair wafting to my nose.

I spent a few moments with Dad today. They were simple and sweet.
We went to LOWES- one of the things we used to do years ago- and looked for a few items. I looked around and at the ceiling, taking in all of the familiar smells and sounds. I turned to look at Dad. He was smiling a knowing smile, that smile that was so filled with honest joy... I had that immediate feeling of emotion rush under my eyes that made me want to burst into tears. It was simple and sweet, and any other person would have dismissed it. We drove around in the car waiting for Led Zeppelin to magically come on the radio at any moment.  Instead of him clicking through the stations like he usually does, he began to sing 80's love songs in the 'Chicken Voice' that he throws on for his chicken puppet that he uses in his commercials. Again, any other person would have simply called him 'weird', but I knew. I knew that it's part of the magic of who he is.

After dinner, I fell asleep on the couch only to wake up groggy.
Now, I think it's time to go watch some episodes of my favorite Korean Drama at the moment- "Big!"
I do like it so!!

Tally Ho!

Momma'

Monday. Tuesday. Mom and Me. (Poor grammar)

She and I have good times together. We drive down the road and blare 'Payphone' out the windows and the sun roof singing all the lyrics then get surprisingly quiet when Kahlifa's rap chimes in, but we throw on our most impressing gangster/duck face and head bob through the beat.

EVERY TIME we're together, without fail, we buy nail polish and do our nails together. It's perfect. I really adore doing that with her, it's exactly what I thought being a teenager- hanging out with my mom would ultimately be like. *smile*

She makes dinner, Swai (fish), Rice (that I frequently make crunchy and too much of), and some kind of veggie. She always has Starbucks TAZO tea made; DELICIOUS. Then for desert, there's some kind of nom-nom-able delicious secretive thing in the freezer. (Starbucks Cake Pops, Ice Cream Sandwiches, Drumsticks, Reese's Eggs)... the list goes on.

We get movies from Family Video or the RedBox $1 rental, which is honestly a cool invention. Sometimes, we just sit at home and watch old episodes of NCIS, since she has all the seasons on DVD.

We often drive to my grandparents' house with a box of Goldfish crackers and go swimming- the crackers are a must have. Swimming = easily getting hungry. We eventually give up and go home to eat actual food.

Sometimes, when we're driving willy nilly in Anderson, we go to Gene's Rootbeer stand. Oh. My. Word. So mouthwatering and delicious. I quite enjoy it.

She and I spent wonderful weekends together. I'm quite excited for Monday and Tuesday. *Nods*

Southern Be//s and Umbre//as

A few days ago, I spent it miraculously with Dani and Lexi.We didn't have plans for a movie or shopping or anything that NORMAL teenage girls do. We decided to go to Target and snoop at all of the ridiculous things that people actually buy. 


We was large sun hats and decided to flop them on and toss luxurious silky scarves around our necks and talk like Scarlet O'Hara from 'Gone With The Wind'.

We tried on 5inch, gold glittered heels and stomped our best runway model impressions down the isles of Target.


We trotted over to the book section and spent nearly 10 full minutes looking/ squealing over One Direction photos.

We looked longingly upon large umbrellas as me hummed 'Singin' in the Rain'. We giggled and continued through our journey of ridiculous things.

We went to the Mall and ate delicious Cheese pizza with disobedient forks and knives. We walked to Carson's and guffawed at the hideousness that is "fashion" for teenagers- or any women- these days. *sigh/shakes head*

We smelled our way over to the colognes and perfumes. They all smelled like teenage boys and girls wanting to be liked. *sigh-again*

All in all. It was a miraculous day. I'm looking forward to reading Dani's blog about her travels to Europe with her big brother. :)
 http://ancientandforever.blogspot.com/

*Sunshine.Songs.and Art*

Sarah and I's Almost Full Moon.

I spent the night with my mom this evening.

 Sarah, my sister, was also there. I hadn't really talked to her/ seen her since I had gotten back from my week of SERVE. She and I had many things to talk over. Boys we liked. Things that we needed to say. Things that were said. Things in general. It ended with a moment that she and I shared that was sweet and emotional and painful and soft and comfortable. She had done it for me last week-or so- and now, I was doing it for her. Cradling her in my arms and stroking her hair, whispering 'Breathe' in her ear.

We're far closer now than I had EVER imagined in my entire life.

After an evening of watching 'Mirror Mirror' which is admittedly adorable and something I would easily watch again- also, it reminded Sarah and I of 'The 10th Kingdom'- She and I took a ride on her new Moped/ Scooter/ Vespa thing.

I hopped on the back as she revved the engine. I hugged her around the middle. We drove on country roads as I looked up at the almost-full moon and sighed at its beauty. It had gorgeous dark spots that were painted and explained by the shining of the hidden sun.

We drove around town for maybe 30 minutes. We giggled and joked the whole way around town. It was bliss. We got home and walked around the neighborhood at midnight, talking about things we had missed being away from each other for a full 5 days.

I didn't know how much I had missed her.
It was perfect to have this evening with her. She is my best friend. I can ask her anything. I can say anything and she won't judge me. It's perfect. I love her so much.

In my own bed.

After a surprisingly fast week of teaching children scripture, playing bingo with the elderly, helping out at a soup kitchen, worship services, and the like I was not-so-surprisingly stinky and in pain.

Dad and Carrie picked me up and I slid into the car, immediately I was ready to be home. Just the smell of Dad's soap and the image of him in his seersucker shirt made me ache for home and the comfort thereof.

I got home and saw the new improvements that they had made to the porch since I had been gone; A new awning, some new flowers, and a birdhouse in the back. The warm light trickled onto the porch from the living room window and I rushed inside with the wheels of my suitcase clunking over the wooden panels of the porch flooring. I set my things down as I continued telling stories from the week. Dad had bought 5 tubs of Eddie's Ice Cream that all looked delicious. I spooned out some Triple Chocolate Peanut Butter and squeezed some extra chocolate sauce on top.

We made our way to the living room where we ate our respective ice creams. I continued telling my stories in between bites and finished quickly. I slipped off my chucks that had given me blisters that evening. I then proceeded to slip off my socks. The air became foul. We giggled at my likeness to my father. We're similar- down to foot odor.

When we had finished, I got on Facebook. I didn't really miss anything important. But, there were MANY pictures posted.

The first day, we were assigned to make cards to give to the elderly at the retirement homes that were going to be visited throughout the week. This was my card, and I am so honored that they felt it was good enough to be the 'representative' per-say to show people what we had written in the cards.


I crawled into bed after taking a long shower. It felt nice to be in my own room, surrounded my my own pictures and favorite memories from life-thus-far. I drifted off to sleep and woke up at 1:20 pm the next day.

It was such an amazing week. I'll definitely be doing it again next year.